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Is it infatuation or is it true love? It’s not a question I thought I’d still be asking myself at 28 years old.

I’m in love with two men, and they both know it, and they are both in love with me. And it’s one of the most wonderful and enlightening experiences of my life. Falling in love is amazing. If you can make it work, you should do it as often as you can for as long as you can. One part that’s so amazing about it is watching your entire world melt away as this one person who you didn’t even know just a few months ago now becomes your universe. The human mind and heart are incredibly adaptable and fickle.

But another amazing part of it is that each lover loves you for completely different reasons, and when you fall in love with someone, you get to see yourself through that new lover’s eyes in ways you may never have before. Falling in love with Gavin – God, it was a long process. I’d adored him forever, but fell in love with him really through ration and reason. I’m not saying falling in love with him wasn’t emotional – in fact it was incredibly emotional, and when he told me he loved me, I cried. But so much of the reason I actually fell in love with him was because of how amazing he is. He doesn’t care what other people think, he has dreams and passions that are outside the box, he is incredibly funny and makes me laugh so hard every single hour we are together, he’s vegan, and we share nearly every single interest in life (like working out, Indian food, love of hotels, travel ambitions, places we’d like to live, True Detective, late night snacks, sleeping on opposite sides of the bed, stand-up comedy, and much much more). Falling in love with him made sense, and he makes sense as a life partner. So, our decision to enter into and stay in a long term relationship is founded on facts, not feelings, but the feelings are there too. They feel intense, but slightly less magical, because there is no magic to it – it’s completely explainable. We are perfect for each other, so of course we’re in love.

Hayden, on the other hand, boy oh boy. I worry that our kind of love is not the kind that lasts a lifetime, but honestly, I’ve been surprised so far at the steady increase of our feelings for each other and the stability of our relational connection. But our love doesn’t make total sense. It makes sense in only one way – that we had a deep magnetic soul connection from the time we first met, and it wasn’t physical or sexual, it was just the universe. When we began dating, we both felt it – the pull, the undeniable intimacy that was already between us even though we didn’t know what it was. We couldn’t look at each other for too long, because the intensity was just too much. And it wasn’t sexual. At least not that part of it.

But other than that connection, which is not to be undervalued, it does not make sense. I’m 28, he’s 40. I’m a first year associate, and he’s a partner. He has a kid, and I don’t, nor do I want any. He eats meat at every meal, and I’m vegan. He’s not into holistic health, and I’m all about it. He doesn’t believe in signs from the universe (despite his admitting our undeniable energetic connection), but I live my life by them. He doesn’t think sleep is that important, and I need about 9 hours every night to feel good. I’m a morning person, and he’s a night owl. I’m a spiritual Christian, and he’s a culturally Jewish atheist. I’m polyamorous, and he’s monogamous – like actually monogamous – not just by default, but actually because it’s what he truly desires.

So what is this intensity of feelings for each other even built on? It’s not built on anything that I can see. When he says I like you so much, and I ask why, he says I don’t know, I just do. I would say the same back to him, whereas if you asked me that about Gavin, I would be able to list 100 reasons why. This freaks me out a little, because it makes me feel like our love (and it is love, not just infatuation, and I have no doubts about that) could just flit away at any second. I feel like it’s a universal connection of energy that exists pursuant to something that is completely outside of our knowledge or control, and we might wake up one day, and it might just be gone. And maybe we were just lucky enough to catch it and get to live it for a while, knowing that it won’t last forever.

I try not to dwell on these thoughts, because I do believe in the law of attraction, and I don’t want to put that thought into the world. I don’t want to create that world. I want to continue to create the world with Hayden in it. That being said, I just wonder, will I ever be able to explain it? Or is it just to forever be a mystery?

So, of course, I talked to him about it. As most things, I didn’t mean to talk to him about it, but I am terrible at hiding any feelings, good or bad, from my partner in a romantic relationship. And, of course, he came through with his quiet brilliance once again. I told him how with my high school ex-boyfriend, my ex-husband, and with Gavin, the relationship was built on a rational foundation consisting of 100 special things I did only with that person, but that he and I didn’t really have that, and we were so different. It made me feel like our love was destined not to last. He didn’t panic or worry. He just told me exactly what I needed to hear.

He explained to me that, when I was younger, I may have been looking for people who served as guideposts in my development, who supported the way I saw the world, and who were compatible with me in tangible ways, but now that I’m a bit older and more fully formed as a person, I was just looking for people who validated and reflected how I felt and the energy that I craved being around. This rang so true to me. I don’t even know that it explains our connection in any meaningful way, but all I needed was a reason why things felt so right with him, and that was it. We vibrate on the same frequency. I feel like when he looks at me, he understands everything in my head, and there is a depth to his soul that intoxicates me. And that’s all I need in life right now. I don’t need someone who likes to go to spin class or cook vegan food or read spiritual junkie books or go out with my 28 year old friends. I just need someone who understands me and loves me, who I exchange energy with in a way that makes me feel good and complete. And Hayden is exactly that.

From a pretty young age I thought I was a person who didn’t care that much what other people thought of me. Even in the throes of my eating disorder, I thought I was a pretty strong and independent woman who did what she wanted and didn’t need anyone else’s approval. Boy oh boy, turns out that’s all I was looking for. I blame it on my mommy issues. I grew up without a dad from ages 8-18, but trust me, that left me with far more mommy issues than daddy issues. I slowly started to come out of that and find true self-love and confidence, but even once I thought I was pretty good at that and needed others’ approval much less, I still didn’t do what I wanted. I had no idea who I was. Part of that was just age, and part of it was insecurity. All my music, movies, food, dress, and speech were so influenced by those around me, and I often led double, triple, or quadruple lives because I was unable to be honest with everyone in my life about who I was and what I wanted. I don’t think I thought even once about what it was I truly wanted. In the last year couple years, I made the decision to leave my marriage and enter a new open relationship with my current partner. There is nothing like that journey to show you what it really means to not care what people think. I feel like becoming handicapped would also do the trick, or, if you really want to learn to not let others’ opinions affect you, try becoming gay or black. I’m glad I chose the route I did.

I learned that not caring what people think is not a state of mind. It’s a state of action. If you really don’t care what other people think, you will do exactly what you want when you want. Do you have any idea how few people do this? Do you have any idea how life-changing it is? This is one area where my partner is light years ahead of me. The other night, we parked in the grocery store parking lot around 9:30 p.m. and started heading toward one of the entrances. “Oh, I bet this one is closed” I said, knowing that stores often only use one main entrance late at night. “Come on” he said, motioning me to keep walking toward the door. As we approached, we saw a sign that said that entrance was closed and could not be used after 8 p.m. “See? We can’t go in this way” I said, as we were still several feet away. “Come on” he said again patiently as he proceeded toward the door. To my surprise, the door opened, and in we went. This might sound like the tiniest thing in the entire world, but it’s not. It’s huge. He walks through life with the attitude that he doesn’t do what he’s told simply because he’s told to. When he sees a closed door that says DON’T ENTER, he walks towards it anyway. If it doesn’t open when he gets there, he’ll find an alternate route, but make no mistake – he expects it to open. Do I believe that things in physical reality actually change because of our thoughts and beliefs? I’m not sure. I haven’t quite come to terms with the idea that expecting the door to be open might make the door actually be open. The rational inside of me screams that this cannot be the case, but the truth is that we’ll never know. In any case, I’m not sure it much matters, because the point is to walk through life healthily entitled and fearless, expecting the best to come your way. That is the kind of person I want to be.

Do you have any idea how often you have an opportunity to exercise this kind of power? I saw a girl get on the train yesterday just head of me. She was carrying several large bags, and it was clear by the way she was looking around that she wanted to sit down. There was a woman sitting on the bench clearly taking up what could have easily been two seats, but the girl with the bags just looked longingly and settled for a spot against the wall. I walked right over and, with just my body language, made it clear I was going to sit down. The woman taking up two seats slid right on over and out of my way. I sat down comfortably and turned on my audiobook while watching the girl with the bags still waiting for a seat. At the next stop, she took a seat from where someone else got up. Why didn’t she sit down at first? No matter how you spin it, it comes down to this: she wanted to sit, but she didn’t sit because she was worried what other people would think about her. She either didn’t want to ask the woman to move because she was worried about the conflict or she just has general social anxiety about talking to strangers. Maybe she just felt awkward or like she didn’t want to impose on others. Again, this might seem like a small thing, but it’s not! Walk through life with the attitude that you deserve the best. In every situation, stop and ask yourself what you want and then do that thing. I wanted to sit, so I did. No woman taking up more than her fair share of the bench was going to stop me, but honestly, I didn’t even think about her. I just did as I pleased.

This attitude is the same reason that I come into work at 11 a.m. when there’s no reason for me to be here earlier, while the rest of my coworkers get here at 9:30 to sit at their desks and do nothing. It’s the same reason I am in an open relationship despite my friends thinking I’m going through an experimental phase or that it’s bound to fail. It’s the same reason that, since high school, all my closest friends have been guys, despite people thinking that my ex-husband was pussy-whipped because of it, and it’s the very same reason I have fully embraced every inch of my body and don’t hesitate to show it off whenever I can even though I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. I just don’t care. It’s my cup of tea, and I’m over here happily sipping away.

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