Is it infatuation or is it true love? It’s not a question I thought I’d still be asking myself at 28 years old.
I’m in love with two men, and they both know it, and they are both in love with me. And it’s one of the most wonderful and enlightening experiences of my life. Falling in love is amazing. If you can make it work, you should do it as often as you can for as long as you can. One part that’s so amazing about it is watching your entire world melt away as this one person who you didn’t even know just a few months ago now becomes your universe. The human mind and heart are incredibly adaptable and fickle.
But another amazing part of it is that each lover loves you for completely different reasons, and when you fall in love with someone, you get to see yourself through that new lover’s eyes in ways you may never have before. Falling in love with Gavin – God, it was a long process. I’d adored him forever, but fell in love with him really through ration and reason. I’m not saying falling in love with him wasn’t emotional – in fact it was incredibly emotional, and when he told me he loved me, I cried. But so much of the reason I actually fell in love with him was because of how amazing he is. He doesn’t care what other people think, he has dreams and passions that are outside the box, he is incredibly funny and makes me laugh so hard every single hour we are together, he’s vegan, and we share nearly every single interest in life (like working out, Indian food, love of hotels, travel ambitions, places we’d like to live, True Detective, late night snacks, sleeping on opposite sides of the bed, stand-up comedy, and much much more). Falling in love with him made sense, and he makes sense as a life partner. So, our decision to enter into and stay in a long term relationship is founded on facts, not feelings, but the feelings are there too. They feel intense, but slightly less magical, because there is no magic to it – it’s completely explainable. We are perfect for each other, so of course we’re in love.
Hayden, on the other hand, boy oh boy. I worry that our kind of love is not the kind that lasts a lifetime, but honestly, I’ve been surprised so far at the steady increase of our feelings for each other and the stability of our relational connection. But our love doesn’t make total sense. It makes sense in only one way – that we had a deep magnetic soul connection from the time we first met, and it wasn’t physical or sexual, it was just the universe. When we began dating, we both felt it – the pull, the undeniable intimacy that was already between us even though we didn’t know what it was. We couldn’t look at each other for too long, because the intensity was just too much. And it wasn’t sexual. At least not that part of it.
But other than that connection, which is not to be undervalued, it does not make sense. I’m 28, he’s 40. I’m a first year associate, and he’s a partner. He has a kid, and I don’t, nor do I want any. He eats meat at every meal, and I’m vegan. He’s not into holistic health, and I’m all about it. He doesn’t believe in signs from the universe (despite his admitting our undeniable energetic connection), but I live my life by them. He doesn’t think sleep is that important, and I need about 9 hours every night to feel good. I’m a morning person, and he’s a night owl. I’m a spiritual Christian, and he’s a culturally Jewish atheist. I’m polyamorous, and he’s monogamous – like actually monogamous – not just by default, but actually because it’s what he truly desires.
So what is this intensity of feelings for each other even built on? It’s not built on anything that I can see. When he says I like you so much, and I ask why, he says I don’t know, I just do. I would say the same back to him, whereas if you asked me that about Gavin, I would be able to list 100 reasons why. This freaks me out a little, because it makes me feel like our love (and it is love, not just infatuation, and I have no doubts about that) could just flit away at any second. I feel like it’s a universal connection of energy that exists pursuant to something that is completely outside of our knowledge or control, and we might wake up one day, and it might just be gone. And maybe we were just lucky enough to catch it and get to live it for a while, knowing that it won’t last forever.
I try not to dwell on these thoughts, because I do believe in the law of attraction, and I don’t want to put that thought into the world. I don’t want to create that world. I want to continue to create the world with Hayden in it. That being said, I just wonder, will I ever be able to explain it? Or is it just to forever be a mystery?
So, of course, I talked to him about it. As most things, I didn’t mean to talk to him about it, but I am terrible at hiding any feelings, good or bad, from my partner in a romantic relationship. And, of course, he came through with his quiet brilliance once again. I told him how with my high school ex-boyfriend, my ex-husband, and with Gavin, the relationship was built on a rational foundation consisting of 100 special things I did only with that person, but that he and I didn’t really have that, and we were so different. It made me feel like our love was destined not to last. He didn’t panic or worry. He just told me exactly what I needed to hear.
He explained to me that, when I was younger, I may have been looking for people who served as guideposts in my development, who supported the way I saw the world, and who were compatible with me in tangible ways, but now that I’m a bit older and more fully formed as a person, I was just looking for people who validated and reflected how I felt and the energy that I craved being around. This rang so true to me. I don’t even know that it explains our connection in any meaningful way, but all I needed was a reason why things felt so right with him, and that was it. We vibrate on the same frequency. I feel like when he looks at me, he understands everything in my head, and there is a depth to his soul that intoxicates me. And that’s all I need in life right now. I don’t need someone who likes to go to spin class or cook vegan food or read spiritual junkie books or go out with my 28 year old friends. I just need someone who understands me and loves me, who I exchange energy with in a way that makes me feel good and complete. And Hayden is exactly that.